Engagement and Marriage Contract

I Have Been Engaged for Five Months but Met Him Only Twice. The Wedding Is in Three Months—Is It Normal to Feel I Am Marrying a Stranger?

I graduated a year ago and started working two months ago. This match came through my aunt. Our first meeting was in front of my entire family, and I was so nervous that I barely said two words. The second meeting was almost the same. Everything I know about him comes from his mother and sister. They say he has good character, is observant and would never let me down, and he genuinely seems respectable; I cannot deny that. But I do not know how he thinks, what makes him laugh or how he behaves when he is angry. I asked my mother for a third meeting, but she said it would be improper for us to request one and that I could speak to him freely after the marriage contract. The wedding is three months away, the venue is booked and the invitations are about to be printed. Every night I lie awake wondering whether he is a good man and I am judging someone I have not given a chance, or whether I am about to marry someone I simply do not know. I am terrified of stopping everything over a feeling that may be unfounded, but I am also terrified of continuing and discovering problems later that cannot be overcome. For women who married after meeting their husbands only twice, what were the early days like? Should I ask to speak to him by phone before the marriage contract, or would that be inappropriate? Should I rely on istikhara and continue, or tell my family plainly that I do not feel comfortable?

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Community answers

بدر

Accepted answer

Your brother here rushed into an arranged marriage that ended in divorce after eighteen months, so listen to someone who paid the price. My mistake was staying silent about clear warning signs during the engagement. I kept saying we would work things out later, but that later never came. A booked venue and printed invitations are not reasons to continue with something that does not feel right. Losing a deposit is easier than losing years of your life. What you are asking for is not excessive. Ask to bring the marriage contract forward and delay the wedding celebration. See how he responds when you disagree over something small; a person's reaction to disagreement tells you more than twenty polite formal meetings.

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نوال

My daughter, I saw the father of my children only once before the marriage contract. We built a life, raised our children, and my eldest daughter married two months ago. But do not misunderstand me: I am not telling you simply to continue. Our time was different, and our families already knew one another. People say marriage is written, but a shared life still has to be built. Ask to bring the marriage contract forward and postpone the celebration. He would then be lawful for you, and you could speak together freely while remaining within what is religiously proper. Do not break your family's heart, but do not wrong yourself either. May God choose what is best for you.

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Anonymous community member

I have been divorced for four years and have two children. My first marriage began exactly as yours has: two meetings and conversations between the mothers. I am not saying the limited meetings caused my divorce, but I entered the marriage knowing almost nothing meaningful about him. I later discovered things that would probably have surfaced had I sat with him five times. Your feeling is not imaginary, and your request is reasonable. Ask for more meetings or for the marriage contract to be brought forward, and do not be embarrassed. This is your whole life, not a celebration that simply comes and goes. May God guide you to the good, wherever it lies.

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لطيفة

My view comes from a marriage that lasted ten years and then ended. Meetings alone do not reveal an entire person, but they give you a minimum level of understanding, and you have not even been given that. Suggest a compromise to your mother: sign the marriage contract now and postpone the wedding for several months while you get to know each other through religiously permissible communication. If he or his family rejects such a reasonable arrangement, that response is itself important information about him.

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بن بكر

Forgive me, but is it reasonable to postpone the wedding after its date has already been set? Where were these concerns before the date was agreed? I worry that he and his family may understand this as delay or a lack of genuine interest. These questions should have been raised from the beginning. The right step now is surely to arrange another meeting during this period and speak frankly about every aspect of the matter. Wishing you well.

Anonymous community member

How are you meeting several times during the engagement? He is not yet lawful for you, my dear. Once the marriage contract is signed, there will be time for you to get to know him properly and in a permissible way. If you then find that you are not compatible, you can divorce before the wedding, but during the engagement it is normal that you will not know him fully.