My Arranged Marriage Ended in Divorce After 18 Months. How Can You Really Know a Partner Before the Marriage Contract?

Question

I am sharing this so someone else might benefit, not because I want sympathy. Three years ago, I proposed to a woman through my family. I met her in two formal visits, and everything looked right: her family seemed kind, and the qualities I wanted were all there on paper. We signed the marriage contract within two months, married within six, and a year and a half later we were in court. When I look back at what actually happened, I realise my mistake was ignoring clear signs during the engagement. I noticed that she did not ask about me; she asked about the house, the car and my family's social standing, and I told myself that was normal. I noticed that any small disagreement ended in hurt feelings and withdrawal, and I dismissed it as something that would settle down after marriage. It did not. Marriage magnified everything. My question for people in successful marriages is: which questions or situations showed you who your partner really was before the marriage contract? How do you give yourselves enough time to get to know each other when formal meetings, by their nature, reveal so little? Do not do what I did and judge by appearances.

نوال · Accepted Answer

Your words are worth gold, my son. Close, day-to-day dealings are what truly reveal a person's character, but some situations shorten the road. I have been married for twenty years, and I tell anyone who asks: watch how a person behaves when they make a mistake, not when everything is going well. Before my daughter's marriage contract, her fiancé was late once. He gave a sincere apology in front of everyone, and we took that as a sign that he could own his mistake. That was the most important sign for me. Small moments do not lie, my son; what people say in formal meetings is usually prepared and rehearsed.

العنود · Answer

This is exactly the outcome I keep trying to avoid. People call me difficult because I ask direct questions in the meeting: How do you act when we disagree? What do you think your role is at home? Why did things not work out with the person before me? Plenty of people have walked away because of my questions, and I say thank God—it is not a loss; it is filtering. Before anyone says a woman should not ask things like that, fine: read the brother's story above, then come and discuss it with me.

سلطان · Answer

About a year ago, my sister told me about a woman she had known for years. My sister's view of her meant more to me than twenty formal meetings, because women see one another in everyday life without putting on an act. My advice is to ask the women around the prospective bride—your sister, your mother and her relatives' wives—if they know her. Years of seeing how she treats them cannot be staged. The formal meeting is a theatre, and everyone has memorised their role.

تركي · Answer

Brother, your story really came through. May God compensate you with something better. I married young, and here is what helped me: we kept the period after the marriage contract and before the wedding to a full six months, talking within what is religiously permitted about everything—money, family, children and ambitions. Formal meetings reveal little, but daily conversations after the contract reveal much more while you can still stop before the wedding and consummation. Young people, do not rush that step; that is my takeaway.

فاطمة · Answer

Peace be upon you. May God mend your heart, my son, and compensate you with better than what you lost. I am a mother who helped my son marry and found a match for my daughter. My long experience taught me to consider the woman's family before focusing on the woman herself, because a person is often shaped by her home, and to ask how she treats people of lower status than her, not only those she wants to impress. My son's marriage came later, and I always resisted the haste people encouraged. Your story confirms that view for me. May God reward you for your honesty and make your experience a lesson for others.

Anonymous community member · Answer

First, turn to God Almighty and ask Him for guidance, then seek sound advice from righteous, God-fearing people.

الملتزمه · Answer

Problems arise in every marriage, but patience is what matters, except for those God has spared by His mercy.

My Arranged Marriage Ended in Divorce After 18 Months. How Can You Really Know a Partner Before the Marriage Contract?

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